Archive for Wishes

“they say it’s better the second time . . .”

{ December 6, 2009 @ 10:49 pm } · { Crush, Friendship, Learning, Life, Love, Relationships, Wishes }
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Why is starting a relationship (any sort or form of relationship) so difficult? Whether it’s getting to know new roommates, adjusting to a new staff, or striking up conversation with the cute boy you’ve been crushing on, the fact of the matter remains, it’s just not that easy sometimes.

I think I’ve blogged about the Myer-Briggs/Jung Temperament personality test thing before. I’m not going to go in-depth at the moment, and I still don’t think that using a personality test as a blueprint for your life is a wise choice, but there is something definitely handy about being familiar with the 16 different personality types so that you kind of know who/what you are dealing with when you begin any friendship. For example, as an E- type I like to talk to other people. My natural reaction is to be outgoing, and try to strike up a conversation. However, an I-type would not  behave the same, and might not even be comfortable sharing information so openly. So knowing generalities beforehand, you expect someone to react a certain way and not be totally surprised at every new thing that comes.

Arguably, on the other hand, that is what makes a new relationship exciting. . . discovering all the nuances of a person.

We always hear that when you are meant to “be” with someone, it will just click. Things will happen naturally and life will be grand and glorious and wonderful. I beg to differ. You can like someone with every atom in your entire being and things can still be awkward between you. Your brain kicks into hyper-sensitive, hyper-aware, warp-speed drive and it’s not always easy to figure out how things are going to work out.  You over-analyze everything that is said, and wait with baited breath to see if you said the right thing, or if your joke fell flat and you need to remedy the delicate balance of things.  You aren’t quite sure how the other person feels, so you don’t feel comfortable being completely up-front and honest about your feelings and everything has two meanings, and you aren’t sure if you are reading into things or if you should take them at face value. It’s confusing, and awkward, and you wonder if things are going to happen and if there are, when can they happen and it’s just AWKWARD.  The feelings are there. The attraction happens naturally. That’s not a hard concept. But it’s all the after part that’s confusing and jumbling and muddled.

Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can’t I just say “this flirting stuff is fun, but can we just be honest and up front with each other about things?” Instead of being worried that I’m mad about him not showing for an event, why can’t we just talk about it and move on with our lives? Instead of the double entendre texting, why can’t we just say what we actually are thinking and feeling? Instead of talking via text all day, why can’t we actually hang out in person and be friends?

See, it’s not easy like everyone says it is. I mean, we can’t sit here and over-analyze what every word was intended to mean, and we can’t sit here and wait for things to just happen. We also can’t put our lives on hold, waiting for people to wake up and realize how important we are to them. You can’t force someone to be interested in you, or even force someone to want to be friends with you. It’s a hard and cruel fact of life, but it just so happens to be true. Sometimes, you end up being a lot more invested in a friendship than the other person, and when you realize that, and you realize it’s been 3 weeks and they haven’t cared to call, even to just say hi, well. . . .that’s when you finally accept the truth.

No one ever said this growing up thing was easy. And it makes it ten times more complicated when you factor other people into the picture. I guess though, it’s just part of life, and part of human nature. We all grow up, we learn things about ourselves and about others, and we hopefully find the people that we’re meant to be with. You’ll always know who they are. They are the people that, even if you haven’t talked to them in years, you can talk to like the last time you saw each other was yesterday. They are the people who are truly invested in your life, and who want you to be invested in theirs. They are friends for life, and those are the people that I am looking for.

“the worst is just around the bend. . .”

{ October 20, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Crush, Friendship, Lauren Willig, Learning, Life, Love, Mistakes, Relationships, Wishes }
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I was told a little while ago that my writing style was “raw” and showed my “inexperience.” In my defense, I just want to clarify that I don’t write to get published or to impress whomever might maybe may be reading this. I write to get my thoughts out in some form of permanence, and to actually articulate what I’m feeling instead of keeping my thoughts bottled inside. It’s not meant to be eloquent or entertaining to read. Sorry if that’s what anyone was expecting.

Now onto more pleasant and less technical things.

I had quite a harrowing experience yesterday. I realized that I had a crush on a boy, and while this might not seem out of the norm for a single young lady such as myself, it is quite a step in a very right direction and one that was completely unexpected for me. I’ve spent the better part of the last year repairing some self-inflicted damage and I’ve sort of shut myself off from the world of dating and boys I suppose. I keep everyone at an arm’s distance, and I haven’t let myself “like” or “crush on” anyone. If I do, I keep it so far buried and refuse to acknowledge or discuss it with anyone. So the fact that driving in the car last night, I blurted out “I think I have a crush on *******. . .” was a huge step for me, and initiated some very thought-provoking introspection that eventually has resulted in this entirely wacky blog post.

I think I’d better stop myself right here, and take a minute to explain some things that for the most part, I’ve kept to myself the past few months. Last December, against my better judgement but alleviating some pressure building up inside of me, I told this boy that I liked him. I didn’t really know what to expect as a response and the anxiety of waiting for an answer nearly killed me. I knew what it would be as soon as I asked the question, but I hoped beyond hope that it would’t really be the answer. Alas, it was. “Thanks. I’m not really interested.” Of course, it was much nicer than that. He hoped to quell some awkwardness between us by saying that “it wasn’t me, he just wasn’t interested in dating anyone right now” and we remain friends to this day. It was a serious blow to me. . . .to the emotional side of me and the logical side. EVERYONE. . . .literally almost everyone that knew both of us. . .thought for sure that he was interested in me. It took some time, but I eventually (7-8 months ish; we met in April 08) came around to the conclusion that I liked him as well, and so I manned up and told him so. I was so sure that there might have even been an inclination, but I was dead wrong. It shook me up quite a bit, not only because it’s hard to be rejected, but also I felt like my faculties were out of sync with the world. . . .that I was reading signals wrong and I couldn’t fix it.

Needless to say, because of many factors, we are still good friends. Lately though, there have been some thoughts that haunt me in my dreams, distract me during the day, and generally gnaw at me in the back of my mind whenever any sort of situation arises between the two of us. I feel like I’ve been the “substitute girlfriend” for the past almost a year. I haven’t dated anyone, he hasn’t dated anyone, and we’re around each other often enough to be familiar with what’s going on in each others’  lives. I’m the girl that he can call when he wants female company, when he needs a hand with something, or when he just wants to chat/see what’s going on. He can give opinions about how I should live my life (work, friends, family, spending habits, schooling, etc. . .) But we don’t get to do any of the fun stuff. It’s really frustrating. I started having dreams (more like nightmares) about how our friendship is detrimental and that we hold each other back from dating other people. I guess (in real life) some people just assume that we are dating because they see us together, when really the exact opposite is the case.

Until last night, I didn’t really realize how I felt about this. I was trying to put my frustrations from the past year into words, and a very definitive thought formulated in my head. I hate this “arrangement” that there is between us. Basically I feel like I’m good enough to be a friend, but not good enough to be taken more seriously than that. I don’t think I’ve done anything majorly off-putting that would establish me as the “non-girlfriend” type. It’s really quite a blow to the self-esteem when you think about it. Hey, I don’t want to invest actual time or effort into building a relationship with you, so you can be around when it’s convenient to me, and when it’s not, well, oh well for you. I’m not going to open up, and there’s nothing that you can really expect from me because by all social standards, I don’t owe you anything.

It hurts. I didn’t realize how much it hurt until I started thinking about it. I’ve spent most of 2009 trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why he didn’t want to be with me, why no one wanted to be with me, and analyzing how I screwed it up. Then last night, I realized that while I might have done things wrong, it wasn’t just me. I tried to convince someone who was emotionally unavailable and hung-up on a sort-of-ex from 2 years ago that I was the girl for him. Well, that’s a suicide mission if I’ve ever heard of one, and I didn’t even realize it until now.

Yesterday, as I speculated on how to squash this crush that was rapidly developing, I stopped to ask myself why it was so wrong to have a crush on this new boy. Was I betraying Mr. Heartbreak of 2009 by liking someone new? No. It’s not like he wanted me anyways. And new boy deserves a chance too. He is smart, funny, cute. We have things in common, and can talk fairly easily. . .I think. I mean, we haven’t spent a lot of time together, so these feelings might be slightly more than premature, but there’s nothing wrong with liking a new boy. I’m so used to protecting myself from rejection and from hurt that I cut off all the potential relationships (not just romantic relationships) in my life. It’s stupid! This new crush might not amount to anything in my life. I might not even act on it at all.

But it’s nice to know that I have finally moved on and been honest with myself about my feelings. It’s hard sometimes, to open the wounds from the past and examine what caused them. Knowing and learning from your mistakes though is totally worth the pain. It might hurt to know that I’m not good enough for Mr. 2009, but someday there will be someone out there who loves me for me, and who will take the time, put in the effort and things will be good. It’s scary, and I’m not looking forward to enduring more pain, but  I feel that as long as I am learning from my experiences, everything will be worth it. I just need to focus on finding people who want to be with me.

In other news, the latest Lauren Willig book will be released in January 2010. The Betrayal of the Blood Lily. I just want to add that even though this book is supposed to be about Jane (since it is the 6th, and there are only supposed to be 6 total), I totally called it. The book is about Penelope and her adventures in India with her scumbag husband. Hahahaha. I knew it. That means we can all look forward to a seventh book in the series, and based on the previous installments, it will be published somewhere around January 2011. Ha haha haha. I was right. =)

“stick shifts and safety belts”

{ October 1, 2009 @ 4:08 am } · { Childhood, Family, Friendship, Life, Stress, Travel, Trips, Wishes }
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I’m feeling a bit stressed tonight. So I’m sitting here writing, with nothing more productive to do, except for a list a mile long. I’m going out of town in a couple weeks (which I’m really excited about), and we still don’t have anything set in stone. I’m not really the kind of girl who takes off on a trip with no set destination, no at-least-fluid plans. As much as I would like to be that girl, the spontaneous-road-trip-wind-at-my-back-adventurous type, I’m just not. Nope. I like to know where I’m going, where I’m sleeping, how much money I’ll need, and who’s going with me. So I’m stressing a little bit. Looking at hotels, but not knowing if we can fit into one room with one bed, or one room with two beds, or if in reality we should get two rooms and just play it safe, but that’s more money, and if there’s not a lot of us going that could get pretty pricey pretty quick, not to mention the attraction fees because we don’t know which attractions we want to go to yet, money for food which depending on where we eat or if we take some food with us, money for gas, and who’s car to take and which route we should drive. Do you feel how not-well-planned this is? I mean, sure we have 2 weeks to the day to plan, but that’s not a lot of time and I would like to be sure that we actually can do this before I just jump into the backseat of a car and drive away.

I don’t think I was always like this. I mean, as a kid, I never had in-depth and detailed plans. It used to drive my dad crazy. He called it misinformation, but I prefer lack of information. I knew general ideas, vague details, and didn’t really care. My dad spent my entire young adult life drilling it into our heads to explore every option, know details and facts so that if someone asks you a question, you are prepared. If I wanted to go to a party, he would ask when, where, who, how I was getting there, what time I planned on being home, if there would be adult supervision, etc. . . If I didn’t have the answers to more than one question, chances of me going (or at least of him approving of me going) were fatally slim to none. He wanted complete and accurate information. So I guess in a way I am doomed to stress about trip-planning.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and do things differently. I wish that I had grown up differently (aka not uptight about stupid things like planning a vacation). I wish that I had cultivated a different relationship with my sister (aka someone she could have and would have asked to be one of her bridesmaids at her wedding that I wasn’t invited to). I wish I could see what an idiot I have been about certain things (mostly school, relationships, housing, moving, everything pretty much). I wish I had kept old friends closer to me, instead of  just letting people fall by the wayside as life progresses. But you can’t change the past, and there’s certainly no point dwelling on it. I guess life moves on with you or without you. You can’t stop it. You can’t change it. You just have to accept it and go forward.

Yay for going on a trip! I think I could use the distraction; get out of my head for a while, and away from daily stressors.

“goodnight, my angel, it’s time to close your eyes. . .”

{ September 12, 2009 @ 8:15 am } · { Friendship, Life, Love, Wishes, Work }
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It’s on nights like tonight that I crave human companionship. It’s hard to leave work after a stressful day, only to go home to a house full of people and feel so alone.  It’s not that my roommates don’t care about my life, or about me being stressed. It’s just that in a relationship, you have that level of intimacy where your life affects/belongs to the other person as well as you. It’s weird, and I don’t know how to describe it.

I don’t regret working at my job. I might complain about it a lot, but I really am grateful to have a steady job that pays well and is in a fairly safe and clean. Some days though, I find it really stressful. Today I was not in the best and most chipper of moods. We were supremely busy, and on top of that, I had to deal with sick employees, upset customers,employees who ask questions that I would consider to  have very obvious and apparent answers, a million billion little decisions that I have to make because I’m the boss, and a co-worker who is possibly the biggest one-upper on the planet. . . .which only makes my job harder because I have to go behind and fix mistakes that were made in pride and incompetence. Also, chex mix is not a sufficient dinner. . . in any reality.

I just know that instead of coming home to loving arms who will hold me until I fall asleep, I come home to guests and friends and funny stories, and that in the end, after I have played my part and participated, I will crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. I wish that there was someone to stroke my hair and tell me that in the morning, and to comfort me. But all I come home to is my computer, a lonely blue light in the dark of my bedroom, and the knowledge that in 8 hours I have to be up and back at it. . .and be Wonder Girl.

Somehow, as I write this, I don’t think that having someone here would make things any better. It probably wouldn’t make a difference. But just knowing that someone cares and is close, that could make all the difference in the world. Who knows? I guess we’ll find out someday. . . maybe. . . Until then, I bid you a fond farewell and a wish that your weekend be filled with things more joyous than working.

“i can’t believe i posted this without a title. . . “

{ August 28, 2009 @ 10:38 am } · { Life, Random: doesn't make any sense at all, School, Wishes }
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French class is killer. Like, pretty sure I’m going to die.  Also, I’m crying now. Writing something profoundly sad. Don’t ask me what’s wrong with me. Maybe the fact that it’s 4:30 am and I’m wasting my life away sitting at a computer, surrounded by textbooks and papers, not getting anything done and thinking about stupid what-ifs that don’t even need to be considered right now. Like, what if I lose my sister and then lose one of my best friends 6 months later. How do you handle that? You know?

Really, maybe sleep is the best option. Oh, and I need topics for my English paper/papers. I was thinking about doing a thesis on Buffy. . . It would be different to say the least. Something exciting, and not boring, and not typical. We can pick literally any subject under the sun as long as the prof approves it. So why not pick something wacky? Could be interesting, right?

“i guess i’m tryin to say i’m sorry, but it always comes out wrong. . .”

{ August 18, 2009 @ 9:57 am } · { Angry, Friendship, Life, Love, Random: doesn't make any sense at all, Wishes }
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I can’t even tell you how many blogs I’ve started, but never finished. They sit, half-written tangles of thoughts in my drafts folder until I finally go through and delete them. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to write about tonight, but I feel as if I’m in an emotional rut, and I need an escape. I figure talking (or I guess typing) through my vast mire of emotional muck might help clear things up a bit.

Growing up, my dad always told me that you had to pick your  battles. You can’t win ‘em all, and you certainly shouldn’t try. That’s setting yourself up for failure. So carefully, over the past few years, I’ve learned how to pick my battles. The older I get, the more I feel that it takes a lot to push me into a fight. I get angry, I fume, I get over it, and I’m fine. Rarely do things last, and the things that do I get really angry about. Most of the time, the fight is not deemed worthy of my time, although I may act offended just to shake things up a bit.  Well, tonight I picked my battle. . .and I lost. I lost big time.

It wasn’t anything important, or life-changing. Just an offhand comment that pierced my heart to its very center and I lashed back with everything I had left to give. It wasn’t much, I’ll tell you that right off the bat. It’s been an emotionally trying few weeks, for me, for my family. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of caring. I just wish that I could rip my heart out, watch it slowly stop beating, and move on with my life. However, I took everything that I’ve been feeling and channeled it into this one comment, consciously choosing to make a bigger deal than it should have been. Now I’m paying the price.

The comment was something along the lines of “why don’t you date, <name omitted>?” (Not to be cryptic, just not sure I’ve ever said my name, and it’s more interesting this way). It tore me to pieces, and I’ll attempt to explain why.

First, as much as I don’t like the situation that my sister is in at the moment, she has something I’m afraid I’ll never have. Unconditional love. I feel like a failure for never having dated anyone, and a disappointment to my family. My kid sister has got more gumption when it comes to love than I do. She might be dumb as rocks, but at least she knows how to share her heart. My dad always says that my sisters and I resemble the Dashwood sisters from Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. I’m Eleanor, the eldest. Quiet and reserved, feels things deeply but never shares. My sister is Marianne, to a “t.” She is emotional, dramatic, and has no problems falling in love or expressing her feelings.  Whilst Eleanor does fall in love, and eventually marries the man she loves after quite a heartbreak, I’m not quite sure that my own tale will have such a happy ending.

Second, I am willing to accept responsibility for my actions, but I’m not going to let guys go without any blame. Our generation, and especially it feels my group of friends, does a LOT of hanging out, rather than dating. Sure, it’s fun to chill and just hang. Sometimes though, guys should ask girls on dates! It would be a nice change, for once, even if it was just between friends, and just for fun. Dates don’t have to be romantic, or even mean that there is interest.

Third, guys don’t date their friends. I think I’ve mentioned this casually a hundred times or more but guys really just don’t date their friends. I, on the other hand, want to date my friends. I think that it is so much easier for a girl to fall for one of her friends because he’s always there. He’s stuck around, grown on you and you can’t imagine a more perfect entrance to a relationship than dating someone who already likes/loves you for you. No getting to know you phase, no tricks, no pretending, no impressing to do. Guys don’t do this though! It’s so frustrating. You either get categorized into the “potential relationship” file or the “friends” file. I always find myself in the latter. I’m a damn good friend, and it sucks. . .a lot. I’m not the great beauty that catches your eye at the store. I’m the friend that’s there with you at the store. . .for moral support? Or just because?

Fourth, it’s hard putting yourself out there. It’s even harder when you have many times before, and always been rejected. It takes so much courage to say “Hey, I like you. And if you happen to like me back, which-I-think-you-do-because-all-my-friends-think-you-do-because-of-the-way-you-act-around-me-and-the-way-you-treat-me-and-I-think-you-might-because-of-things-that-you’ve-said-to-me-in-passing-randomly, then we should give this a try.” What sucks though, is that even when you think you’ve finally done everything right, and that all the signs are there, it’s still a no. Most likely for some inexplicable reason. “You’re a great girl. . .but I’m just not looking to be in a relationship right now” or “I’ve been hurt before by some mystery girl in my past that’s ruined my romantic future forever.” Hopefully there’s not some girl two weeks down the road who just happens to be the right girl, because that sucks even more. It’s hard though, and credit has to be given where credit is due. It takes guts to tell someone you like them. It takes more guts to accept rejection. It take the most guts to still be friends, good friends at that, after rejection has been doled out.

Fifth, sometimes a girl just can’t catch a break. Working full time, schooling full time, playing part-time when there’s not work and school leaves little time to explore new venues and meet new people. It’s especially hard when the group prefers movies, games, and ‘group things.’ It’s not like people come falling out of the sky, like meatballs. (Maybe it’s getting a little late).

Anyways, the point is. . .there wasn’t a point. It wasn’t a battle that was worth fighting, and I’m sorry. I really really am. I’m sorry that I took it so personally. I’m sorry that I don’t have a good reason. I’m sorry that I’m publically saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I say I’m sorry too much. I just want things to be right again. I don’t want to fight, and I now know to pick my battles extra super carefully. It’s more important just to remain friends than to let stupid arguments get in the way.

It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory and still to love it. Wilde got it right, but I think I could amend it to say “it takes great courage to see your friends for who they truly are, in all their tainted glory and still to love them.”

“when you wish upon a star”

{ July 28, 2009 @ 7:23 pm } · { Life, Wishes }
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You might think to yourself 3 posts in one day? That’s a bit excessive! BUT, I was trying to clean out my drafts folder because it was overflowing with ideas that never became concrete when I ran across this fully completed, unpublished post. So I thought, why not? Let’s just post it. It makes the folder a bit more tidy. =)

October 2008.

I just got back from California a few days ago, and I’ve had a good long while since my last post to mull over quite a few thoughts that have been occuring to me. Usually, when I write a post, I immediately have twenty or so ideas that I could fully flesh out into other posts, but that would just be weird to post 20 new entries in one day….. So here are all my thoughts combined into one discombobulated…yeah.

As I stared out of the car window at the sky, a twinkling light caught my eye. It was the first star I had seen and my mind wandered back to so many nights laying in bed, wishing on stars and with a faith only a child could muster, actually believing that what I wished for would come true. I laughed silently to myself as I thought of all the if-onlies and I-wish-I-may-I-wish-I-mights that never, ever came true. But as I stared at the sky, a why-not attitude settled on my mind, and so I made a wish. And that wish, which obviously will never be granted, is why I am writing today.

So much of what we wish for is conditional upon our present happiness. We live in a fast-paced, self-centered, instant gratification world. For example we have Easy Mac (and I thought Mac and Cheese was a fast meal) or Instant Minute Rice (even though it traditionally only takes ONE minute). Everything we do is geared towards an instant result. We ride roller coasters to experience that my-guts-are-all-smushed-and-jumbled-inside-of-me feeling that lasts for about as long as the ride, which is a grand total of oh 2 minutes max. We channel-surf on the tv because the 2 minutes of commercials in between our regularly scheduled program is just too long to sit through. Everything we do (especially if it is a form of entertainment) is instant. Therefore, most of what we wish for falls under the same category.

The more I thought about what I wished for, I realized that I don’t know what I want in life. I mean, I want to be happy. To have people around me to love and care about me, to be successful in whatever venture I am pursuing, to be content with who I have become, and to be satisfied with what life has given me. But other than that, I have no idea how to go about accomplishing “being happy.” The things I think I want, sometimes turn out to be not-so-great things that actually hinder my progress towards my goal. Things or people that I think are good for me actually turn out to be detrimental to me. Directions and paths that I deem worthy to travel actually get me more lost and confused. So I just get lost in my own thought processes (as I am sure many of you, or whoever is reading this is lost in my stream of consciousness, disjointed rambling) and end up not sure of what I am aiming for.

My wish that night in the car was to have something I had wanted for a long time, and never quite succeeded in having. Now as I look back to only a few short days ago, I realize that sometimes life is not about getting what you want because you don’t always know what it is that you really want. It’s about wanting what you have and being content with the life that surrounds you. It’s about learning to take what you are handed and making the most out of every minute of it. It’s about living, not wishing.

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