Archive for Learning

“castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized”

{ February 2, 2010 @ 7:19 am } · { Learning, Life, Love, Mistakes, Relationships, Sadness }
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Well, I think we made a pretty not-so-decent run at it. Almost a full two months. That’s really quite an accomplishment for me. I guess I just got too excited that there was actually a second date, and that someone seemed interested in me.

You know, breakups just really suck. You can see them coming a mile away, prepare yourself in every way possible for being single again, but when it comes straight down to it, after it’s over, you sit in the dark, blog about your crappy feelings, cry and just wish that there was someone there to hold you.

I can’t even tell you how relieved I am. Things needed to end, and we both knew that.  I need someone who can communicate. That’s all I wanted; to be kept in the loop about what was going on, and to have someone there who cared. That wasn’t happening, and that’s fine. Breakups are inevitable. No one can live happily ever after. It doesn’t exist. The sucky part is just feeling like no one will want you again, and knowing that the person who has been your support for the last however long is now gone. You are alone. Alone, sitting in the dark, being an emotional basketcase, which makes you all the more undesirable.

So I guess the easy/hard part now is figuring out how to be single again. How to  be a single, strong, independent woman who is in charge of her own life and not on an emotional roller coaster. I can do that. But tonight just really sucks. And tonight, I am alone. Completely and unfailingly alone.

“they say it’s better the second time . . .”

{ December 6, 2009 @ 10:49 pm } · { Crush, Friendship, Learning, Life, Love, Relationships, Wishes }
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Why is starting a relationship (any sort or form of relationship) so difficult? Whether it’s getting to know new roommates, adjusting to a new staff, or striking up conversation with the cute boy you’ve been crushing on, the fact of the matter remains, it’s just not that easy sometimes.

I think I’ve blogged about the Myer-Briggs/Jung Temperament personality test thing before. I’m not going to go in-depth at the moment, and I still don’t think that using a personality test as a blueprint for your life is a wise choice, but there is something definitely handy about being familiar with the 16 different personality types so that you kind of know who/what you are dealing with when you begin any friendship. For example, as an E- type I like to talk to other people. My natural reaction is to be outgoing, and try to strike up a conversation. However, an I-type would not  behave the same, and might not even be comfortable sharing information so openly. So knowing generalities beforehand, you expect someone to react a certain way and not be totally surprised at every new thing that comes.

Arguably, on the other hand, that is what makes a new relationship exciting. . . discovering all the nuances of a person.

We always hear that when you are meant to “be” with someone, it will just click. Things will happen naturally and life will be grand and glorious and wonderful. I beg to differ. You can like someone with every atom in your entire being and things can still be awkward between you. Your brain kicks into hyper-sensitive, hyper-aware, warp-speed drive and it’s not always easy to figure out how things are going to work out.  You over-analyze everything that is said, and wait with baited breath to see if you said the right thing, or if your joke fell flat and you need to remedy the delicate balance of things.  You aren’t quite sure how the other person feels, so you don’t feel comfortable being completely up-front and honest about your feelings and everything has two meanings, and you aren’t sure if you are reading into things or if you should take them at face value. It’s confusing, and awkward, and you wonder if things are going to happen and if there are, when can they happen and it’s just AWKWARD.  The feelings are there. The attraction happens naturally. That’s not a hard concept. But it’s all the after part that’s confusing and jumbling and muddled.

Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can’t I just say “this flirting stuff is fun, but can we just be honest and up front with each other about things?” Instead of being worried that I’m mad about him not showing for an event, why can’t we just talk about it and move on with our lives? Instead of the double entendre texting, why can’t we just say what we actually are thinking and feeling? Instead of talking via text all day, why can’t we actually hang out in person and be friends?

See, it’s not easy like everyone says it is. I mean, we can’t sit here and over-analyze what every word was intended to mean, and we can’t sit here and wait for things to just happen. We also can’t put our lives on hold, waiting for people to wake up and realize how important we are to them. You can’t force someone to be interested in you, or even force someone to want to be friends with you. It’s a hard and cruel fact of life, but it just so happens to be true. Sometimes, you end up being a lot more invested in a friendship than the other person, and when you realize that, and you realize it’s been 3 weeks and they haven’t cared to call, even to just say hi, well. . . .that’s when you finally accept the truth.

No one ever said this growing up thing was easy. And it makes it ten times more complicated when you factor other people into the picture. I guess though, it’s just part of life, and part of human nature. We all grow up, we learn things about ourselves and about others, and we hopefully find the people that we’re meant to be with. You’ll always know who they are. They are the people that, even if you haven’t talked to them in years, you can talk to like the last time you saw each other was yesterday. They are the people who are truly invested in your life, and who want you to be invested in theirs. They are friends for life, and those are the people that I am looking for.

“i have measured out my life in coffee spoons. . .”

{ November 23, 2009 @ 8:50 pm } · { Friendship, Learning, Life, Sadness }
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I really don’t have words today. I just feel this inexplicable somberness and I want to be happy again. Yesterday, I was so light-hearted. It seemed like nothing in the world could go wrong. Then last night I got an email sharing a tragedy and I can’t stop thinking about how fragile life is; how every moment we have is precious and shouldn’t be taken for granted or wasted.

It makes me reflect on how I spend my time. Am I really living a fulfilling life? Am I doing all I can to make sure that I’m taking advantage of every opportunity that comes across my path? Am I cultivating relationships with people that will enrich my life? Am I acting in accordance with who I am and who I want to become?

Life is full of tragedies. I’ve seen my share of them. They shouldn’t depress us, or affect us so deeply that we can not continue on with our lives. We also shouldn’t ignore them, pushing our feelings to the side. However, I think a little reflection on events or self-introspection is appropriate.

“hey isn’t this easy. . . “

{ November 20, 2009 @ 5:49 pm } · { Crush, Friendship, Learning, Life, Mistakes, Relationships, Work }
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There is a not-so-thin line between being professional and following your inclinations. There is also another line between management and employees. When I first became a manager, my boss wrote me up for “being friends” with one of my employees. He told me (wise words, but still hard to live by) that if you are too friendly with your employees, your job becomes ten times harder. It is harder to discipline them if they do something wrong. It is harder to get them to work because they don’t see you in a professional aspect, but just as a friend. Also, they can tend to expect special treatment as far as scheduling and workload are concerned because they think you are “friends.”  While I understand the logic and the concepts perfectly, applying them was (and still is) really difficult. Many of the people that I manage are my same age group or older than me. I want to pal around and joke with them because it’s fun. And let’s face it, basically if I had met these people under any other circumstances besides work, it would be totally ok for me to hang out with them.

At first I had a really hard time as a manager. I had a couple-to-few employees who were resistant to authority. I had some self-confidence, but not a lot because I was a newbie. I didn’t really know what I was doing, or what I was supposed to be doing; how to act or how to treat my employees in a friendly, yet professional manner. Also, literally every employee (except for 2) were older than me. It’s hard giving assignments to people who could be your parents. However, it’s just something that I’ve learned to deal with. Someone out there in the universe thought that I would be good at my job, and they convinced someone else, and ta-da. . .I got hired. I got placed into a good store, with a good management team, and a very good boss. I’ve learned a lot and I think I’ve come a long way from those first days as a manager.

Now I’m faced with another situation. It’s even more perilous than the “friends” situation because it really is a company no-no. I got asked yesterday if I had a crush on one of my employees. The really sad part about this is it’s like the third time I’ve been asked this (by different people). Let me clarify by saying that I had to do a 3-hour sexual harassment training as part of my orientation. They were pretty specific about management-employee relationships; aka there can’t be any. So no matter what inclinations I might have, or how I might act. .  .it really can’t ever happen. I mean, there are ways around it, sure, but really it’s a big deal and a big you REALLY shouldn’t do this. Also, I maybe have a slight problem, and maybe that’s part of it. Sometimes I flirt. . .sometimes a lot. It’s happened before. If a guy is remotely in my age range, and unmarried. . .well, it’s pretty much just a natural reaction. Good gravy, sometimes I act the same way with our elderly customers. I don’t know why, and really I’ve been dealing with this since 8th grade. I’ve always had an easier time getting along with guys than girls. I think a lot of people could say this though, not just me.

Well, so here comes my dilemma. I like the dynamics at work. I think it’s fun, and that it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t cause anyone to be unproductive (except me sometimes, but that’s a given. . . .everyone has those days. Trust me, I’ve asked around.) But I can’t risk being unprofessional at work. I can’t risk the gossip and drama that will inevitably proceed if I don’t change my behavior. I can see what both sides of the issue are, and I can see why the clear decision should be to alter my behavior. The flip side of the coin is that I alienate one of the only friends I have at work. Ha, there it is. There’s my problem. I became friends with an employee.

Oh sometimes I feel like work dominates every aspect of my life. It’s hard to separate the two sometimes. I work almost every day of my life. And why not be friends? Why can’t I flirt with someone at work? I see these people ten times as often as I see my own family, and the only people I see more are my roommates. Why can’t work be an enjoyable experience? Or maybe I just need to put my natural reactions aside and be a professional. . .

“the worst is just around the bend. . .”

{ October 20, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Crush, Friendship, Lauren Willig, Learning, Life, Love, Mistakes, Relationships, Wishes }
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I was told a little while ago that my writing style was “raw” and showed my “inexperience.” In my defense, I just want to clarify that I don’t write to get published or to impress whomever might maybe may be reading this. I write to get my thoughts out in some form of permanence, and to actually articulate what I’m feeling instead of keeping my thoughts bottled inside. It’s not meant to be eloquent or entertaining to read. Sorry if that’s what anyone was expecting.

Now onto more pleasant and less technical things.

I had quite a harrowing experience yesterday. I realized that I had a crush on a boy, and while this might not seem out of the norm for a single young lady such as myself, it is quite a step in a very right direction and one that was completely unexpected for me. I’ve spent the better part of the last year repairing some self-inflicted damage and I’ve sort of shut myself off from the world of dating and boys I suppose. I keep everyone at an arm’s distance, and I haven’t let myself “like” or “crush on” anyone. If I do, I keep it so far buried and refuse to acknowledge or discuss it with anyone. So the fact that driving in the car last night, I blurted out “I think I have a crush on *******. . .” was a huge step for me, and initiated some very thought-provoking introspection that eventually has resulted in this entirely wacky blog post.

I think I’d better stop myself right here, and take a minute to explain some things that for the most part, I’ve kept to myself the past few months. Last December, against my better judgement but alleviating some pressure building up inside of me, I told this boy that I liked him. I didn’t really know what to expect as a response and the anxiety of waiting for an answer nearly killed me. I knew what it would be as soon as I asked the question, but I hoped beyond hope that it would’t really be the answer. Alas, it was. “Thanks. I’m not really interested.” Of course, it was much nicer than that. He hoped to quell some awkwardness between us by saying that “it wasn’t me, he just wasn’t interested in dating anyone right now” and we remain friends to this day. It was a serious blow to me. . . .to the emotional side of me and the logical side. EVERYONE. . . .literally almost everyone that knew both of us. . .thought for sure that he was interested in me. It took some time, but I eventually (7-8 months ish; we met in April 08) came around to the conclusion that I liked him as well, and so I manned up and told him so. I was so sure that there might have even been an inclination, but I was dead wrong. It shook me up quite a bit, not only because it’s hard to be rejected, but also I felt like my faculties were out of sync with the world. . . .that I was reading signals wrong and I couldn’t fix it.

Needless to say, because of many factors, we are still good friends. Lately though, there have been some thoughts that haunt me in my dreams, distract me during the day, and generally gnaw at me in the back of my mind whenever any sort of situation arises between the two of us. I feel like I’ve been the “substitute girlfriend” for the past almost a year. I haven’t dated anyone, he hasn’t dated anyone, and we’re around each other often enough to be familiar with what’s going on in each others’  lives. I’m the girl that he can call when he wants female company, when he needs a hand with something, or when he just wants to chat/see what’s going on. He can give opinions about how I should live my life (work, friends, family, spending habits, schooling, etc. . .) But we don’t get to do any of the fun stuff. It’s really frustrating. I started having dreams (more like nightmares) about how our friendship is detrimental and that we hold each other back from dating other people. I guess (in real life) some people just assume that we are dating because they see us together, when really the exact opposite is the case.

Until last night, I didn’t really realize how I felt about this. I was trying to put my frustrations from the past year into words, and a very definitive thought formulated in my head. I hate this “arrangement” that there is between us. Basically I feel like I’m good enough to be a friend, but not good enough to be taken more seriously than that. I don’t think I’ve done anything majorly off-putting that would establish me as the “non-girlfriend” type. It’s really quite a blow to the self-esteem when you think about it. Hey, I don’t want to invest actual time or effort into building a relationship with you, so you can be around when it’s convenient to me, and when it’s not, well, oh well for you. I’m not going to open up, and there’s nothing that you can really expect from me because by all social standards, I don’t owe you anything.

It hurts. I didn’t realize how much it hurt until I started thinking about it. I’ve spent most of 2009 trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why he didn’t want to be with me, why no one wanted to be with me, and analyzing how I screwed it up. Then last night, I realized that while I might have done things wrong, it wasn’t just me. I tried to convince someone who was emotionally unavailable and hung-up on a sort-of-ex from 2 years ago that I was the girl for him. Well, that’s a suicide mission if I’ve ever heard of one, and I didn’t even realize it until now.

Yesterday, as I speculated on how to squash this crush that was rapidly developing, I stopped to ask myself why it was so wrong to have a crush on this new boy. Was I betraying Mr. Heartbreak of 2009 by liking someone new? No. It’s not like he wanted me anyways. And new boy deserves a chance too. He is smart, funny, cute. We have things in common, and can talk fairly easily. . .I think. I mean, we haven’t spent a lot of time together, so these feelings might be slightly more than premature, but there’s nothing wrong with liking a new boy. I’m so used to protecting myself from rejection and from hurt that I cut off all the potential relationships (not just romantic relationships) in my life. It’s stupid! This new crush might not amount to anything in my life. I might not even act on it at all.

But it’s nice to know that I have finally moved on and been honest with myself about my feelings. It’s hard sometimes, to open the wounds from the past and examine what caused them. Knowing and learning from your mistakes though is totally worth the pain. It might hurt to know that I’m not good enough for Mr. 2009, but someday there will be someone out there who loves me for me, and who will take the time, put in the effort and things will be good. It’s scary, and I’m not looking forward to enduring more pain, but  I feel that as long as I am learning from my experiences, everything will be worth it. I just need to focus on finding people who want to be with me.

In other news, the latest Lauren Willig book will be released in January 2010. The Betrayal of the Blood Lily. I just want to add that even though this book is supposed to be about Jane (since it is the 6th, and there are only supposed to be 6 total), I totally called it. The book is about Penelope and her adventures in India with her scumbag husband. Hahahaha. I knew it. That means we can all look forward to a seventh book in the series, and based on the previous installments, it will be published somewhere around January 2011. Ha haha haha. I was right. =)

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