“why can’t you see. . .”

{ November 9, 2009 @ 6:55 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Normally I have to have a title before I write. It doesn’t necessarily make sense or even correlate with the topic(s) of my post, but it just makes me feel better about life. Tonight, I have no title. Whatever it is will be just as much a surprise to me as it will be random to you (whoever you are).

I feel strangely listless tonight. Part of me is aching to go back in time, and “relive my glory days” (aka high school), while part of me wants to move forward with my life. I don’t know what it is. Probably a combination of things; stress about work, stress about family, stress about school, recovering from being ill, just general boredom. I just miss the person that I was, and every now and again I get a glimpse of that girl and it makes me profoundly sad. Part of my listlessness might more be homesickness than anything. While I didn’t spend my entire childhood in the South, I feel like it is the one place I truly call home. I grew the most, made the most friends, put down the most roots, and honestly for the first time, fell in love with an actual place. There is no where on Earth that can compare to the South (for me, anyways.) I found the most kind-hearted, genuine, caring people there, and they became my friends and an integral part of my life. They were so accepting and loving, and I try to model myself after them. It makes me ache for home and for the people that I love every time I do something “Southern,” whether it’s watching Nascar, deep-frying something in the kitchen, using odd vocab such as “fixin’ to” or calling everyone ma’am. I get made fun of for my Southern tendencies, but they are a part of me, and I wouldn’t change them for the world.

Maybe part of my listlessness is this overwhelming feeling that there are stressors and aspects in and of my life that I have no control over. I want to change things, but I am powerless to do so. I’m not trying to be Nancy Negative here. I’m not talking about things that I actually could have an impact on if I tried, but things other people do that I can’t change, yet still affect my life.

Maybe I just need a good night’s rest, some decongestants, and a text or two from a cute boy (this part is optional, but it sure would add a little ray of sunshine to my day).  Maybe I just need a vacation home. Maybe I just need to move forward with my life and be content with who I am and what I have. I don’t really know. There aren’t any definitive answers tonight. Like I said, I’m just listless and posturing on potential reasons.

Also, before I say goodnight, I’d like to just say that I think every time I get sick from now on, I’m going to read either The Hobbit or part of  The Lord of the Rings trilogy. It seemed to me to be highly comforting and yet still captured my interest. I don’t know why, or what even motivated me to pick it up this past week, but it was probably the best decision I’ve made all week (except for making Cranberry Chocolate Chip Oatmeal cookies, which were oddly a huge hit.) Or I could always watch Buffy. =)

“the worst is just around the bend. . .”

{ October 20, 2009 @ 5:09 am } · { Crush, Friendship, Lauren Willig, Learning, Life, Love, Mistakes, Relationships, Wishes }
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I was told a little while ago that my writing style was “raw” and showed my “inexperience.” In my defense, I just want to clarify that I don’t write to get published or to impress whomever might maybe may be reading this. I write to get my thoughts out in some form of permanence, and to actually articulate what I’m feeling instead of keeping my thoughts bottled inside. It’s not meant to be eloquent or entertaining to read. Sorry if that’s what anyone was expecting.

Now onto more pleasant and less technical things.

I had quite a harrowing experience yesterday. I realized that I had a crush on a boy, and while this might not seem out of the norm for a single young lady such as myself, it is quite a step in a very right direction and one that was completely unexpected for me. I’ve spent the better part of the last year repairing some self-inflicted damage and I’ve sort of shut myself off from the world of dating and boys I suppose. I keep everyone at an arm’s distance, and I haven’t let myself “like” or “crush on” anyone. If I do, I keep it so far buried and refuse to acknowledge or discuss it with anyone. So the fact that driving in the car last night, I blurted out “I think I have a crush on *******. . .” was a huge step for me, and initiated some very thought-provoking introspection that eventually has resulted in this entirely wacky blog post.

I think I’d better stop myself right here, and take a minute to explain some things that for the most part, I’ve kept to myself the past few months. Last December, against my better judgement but alleviating some pressure building up inside of me, I told this boy that I liked him. I didn’t really know what to expect as a response and the anxiety of waiting for an answer nearly killed me. I knew what it would be as soon as I asked the question, but I hoped beyond hope that it would’t really be the answer. Alas, it was. “Thanks. I’m not really interested.” Of course, it was much nicer than that. He hoped to quell some awkwardness between us by saying that “it wasn’t me, he just wasn’t interested in dating anyone right now” and we remain friends to this day. It was a serious blow to me. . . .to the emotional side of me and the logical side. EVERYONE. . . .literally almost everyone that knew both of us. . .thought for sure that he was interested in me. It took some time, but I eventually (7-8 months ish; we met in April 08) came around to the conclusion that I liked him as well, and so I manned up and told him so. I was so sure that there might have even been an inclination, but I was dead wrong. It shook me up quite a bit, not only because it’s hard to be rejected, but also I felt like my faculties were out of sync with the world. . . .that I was reading signals wrong and I couldn’t fix it.

Needless to say, because of many factors, we are still good friends. Lately though, there have been some thoughts that haunt me in my dreams, distract me during the day, and generally gnaw at me in the back of my mind whenever any sort of situation arises between the two of us. I feel like I’ve been the “substitute girlfriend” for the past almost a year. I haven’t dated anyone, he hasn’t dated anyone, and we’re around each other often enough to be familiar with what’s going on in each others’  lives. I’m the girl that he can call when he wants female company, when he needs a hand with something, or when he just wants to chat/see what’s going on. He can give opinions about how I should live my life (work, friends, family, spending habits, schooling, etc. . .) But we don’t get to do any of the fun stuff. It’s really frustrating. I started having dreams (more like nightmares) about how our friendship is detrimental and that we hold each other back from dating other people. I guess (in real life) some people just assume that we are dating because they see us together, when really the exact opposite is the case.

Until last night, I didn’t really realize how I felt about this. I was trying to put my frustrations from the past year into words, and a very definitive thought formulated in my head. I hate this “arrangement” that there is between us. Basically I feel like I’m good enough to be a friend, but not good enough to be taken more seriously than that. I don’t think I’ve done anything majorly off-putting that would establish me as the “non-girlfriend” type. It’s really quite a blow to the self-esteem when you think about it. Hey, I don’t want to invest actual time or effort into building a relationship with you, so you can be around when it’s convenient to me, and when it’s not, well, oh well for you. I’m not going to open up, and there’s nothing that you can really expect from me because by all social standards, I don’t owe you anything.

It hurts. I didn’t realize how much it hurt until I started thinking about it. I’ve spent most of 2009 trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why he didn’t want to be with me, why no one wanted to be with me, and analyzing how I screwed it up. Then last night, I realized that while I might have done things wrong, it wasn’t just me. I tried to convince someone who was emotionally unavailable and hung-up on a sort-of-ex from 2 years ago that I was the girl for him. Well, that’s a suicide mission if I’ve ever heard of one, and I didn’t even realize it until now.

Yesterday, as I speculated on how to squash this crush that was rapidly developing, I stopped to ask myself why it was so wrong to have a crush on this new boy. Was I betraying Mr. Heartbreak of 2009 by liking someone new? No. It’s not like he wanted me anyways. And new boy deserves a chance too. He is smart, funny, cute. We have things in common, and can talk fairly easily. . .I think. I mean, we haven’t spent a lot of time together, so these feelings might be slightly more than premature, but there’s nothing wrong with liking a new boy. I’m so used to protecting myself from rejection and from hurt that I cut off all the potential relationships (not just romantic relationships) in my life. It’s stupid! This new crush might not amount to anything in my life. I might not even act on it at all.

But it’s nice to know that I have finally moved on and been honest with myself about my feelings. It’s hard sometimes, to open the wounds from the past and examine what caused them. Knowing and learning from your mistakes though is totally worth the pain. It might hurt to know that I’m not good enough for Mr. 2009, but someday there will be someone out there who loves me for me, and who will take the time, put in the effort and things will be good. It’s scary, and I’m not looking forward to enduring more pain, but  I feel that as long as I am learning from my experiences, everything will be worth it. I just need to focus on finding people who want to be with me.

In other news, the latest Lauren Willig book will be released in January 2010. The Betrayal of the Blood Lily. I just want to add that even though this book is supposed to be about Jane (since it is the 6th, and there are only supposed to be 6 total), I totally called it. The book is about Penelope and her adventures in India with her scumbag husband. Hahahaha. I knew it. That means we can all look forward to a seventh book in the series, and based on the previous installments, it will be published somewhere around January 2011. Ha haha haha. I was right. =)

“stick shifts and safety belts”

{ October 1, 2009 @ 4:08 am } · { Childhood, Family, Friendship, Life, Stress, Travel, Trips, Wishes }
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I’m feeling a bit stressed tonight. So I’m sitting here writing, with nothing more productive to do, except for a list a mile long. I’m going out of town in a couple weeks (which I’m really excited about), and we still don’t have anything set in stone. I’m not really the kind of girl who takes off on a trip with no set destination, no at-least-fluid plans. As much as I would like to be that girl, the spontaneous-road-trip-wind-at-my-back-adventurous type, I’m just not. Nope. I like to know where I’m going, where I’m sleeping, how much money I’ll need, and who’s going with me. So I’m stressing a little bit. Looking at hotels, but not knowing if we can fit into one room with one bed, or one room with two beds, or if in reality we should get two rooms and just play it safe, but that’s more money, and if there’s not a lot of us going that could get pretty pricey pretty quick, not to mention the attraction fees because we don’t know which attractions we want to go to yet, money for food which depending on where we eat or if we take some food with us, money for gas, and who’s car to take and which route we should drive. Do you feel how not-well-planned this is? I mean, sure we have 2 weeks to the day to plan, but that’s not a lot of time and I would like to be sure that we actually can do this before I just jump into the backseat of a car and drive away.

I don’t think I was always like this. I mean, as a kid, I never had in-depth and detailed plans. It used to drive my dad crazy. He called it misinformation, but I prefer lack of information. I knew general ideas, vague details, and didn’t really care. My dad spent my entire young adult life drilling it into our heads to explore every option, know details and facts so that if someone asks you a question, you are prepared. If I wanted to go to a party, he would ask when, where, who, how I was getting there, what time I planned on being home, if there would be adult supervision, etc. . . If I didn’t have the answers to more than one question, chances of me going (or at least of him approving of me going) were fatally slim to none. He wanted complete and accurate information. So I guess in a way I am doomed to stress about trip-planning.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and do things differently. I wish that I had grown up differently (aka not uptight about stupid things like planning a vacation). I wish that I had cultivated a different relationship with my sister (aka someone she could have and would have asked to be one of her bridesmaids at her wedding that I wasn’t invited to). I wish I could see what an idiot I have been about certain things (mostly school, relationships, housing, moving, everything pretty much). I wish I had kept old friends closer to me, instead of  just letting people fall by the wayside as life progresses. But you can’t change the past, and there’s certainly no point dwelling on it. I guess life moves on with you or without you. You can’t stop it. You can’t change it. You just have to accept it and go forward.

Yay for going on a trip! I think I could use the distraction; get out of my head for a while, and away from daily stressors.

“goodnight, my angel, it’s time to close your eyes. . .”

{ September 12, 2009 @ 8:15 am } · { Friendship, Life, Love, Wishes, Work }
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It’s on nights like tonight that I crave human companionship. It’s hard to leave work after a stressful day, only to go home to a house full of people and feel so alone.  It’s not that my roommates don’t care about my life, or about me being stressed. It’s just that in a relationship, you have that level of intimacy where your life affects/belongs to the other person as well as you. It’s weird, and I don’t know how to describe it.

I don’t regret working at my job. I might complain about it a lot, but I really am grateful to have a steady job that pays well and is in a fairly safe and clean. Some days though, I find it really stressful. Today I was not in the best and most chipper of moods. We were supremely busy, and on top of that, I had to deal with sick employees, upset customers,employees who ask questions that I would consider to  have very obvious and apparent answers, a million billion little decisions that I have to make because I’m the boss, and a co-worker who is possibly the biggest one-upper on the planet. . . .which only makes my job harder because I have to go behind and fix mistakes that were made in pride and incompetence. Also, chex mix is not a sufficient dinner. . . in any reality.

I just know that instead of coming home to loving arms who will hold me until I fall asleep, I come home to guests and friends and funny stories, and that in the end, after I have played my part and participated, I will crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. I wish that there was someone to stroke my hair and tell me that in the morning, and to comfort me. But all I come home to is my computer, a lonely blue light in the dark of my bedroom, and the knowledge that in 8 hours I have to be up and back at it. . .and be Wonder Girl.

Somehow, as I write this, I don’t think that having someone here would make things any better. It probably wouldn’t make a difference. But just knowing that someone cares and is close, that could make all the difference in the world. Who knows? I guess we’ll find out someday. . . maybe. . . Until then, I bid you a fond farewell and a wish that your weekend be filled with things more joyous than working.

“i like talking about nothing. . .”

{ September 11, 2009 @ 8:12 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Sigh. I’m supposed to be getting ready for work. And obviously I’m not. Also, I know I’m totally going to regret being late, especially since the boss is on this new rampage type deal. Came back from vaca, was super upset and started being anal about everything. I mean everything. No leniency. . . anywhere.

But here I sit, in my black scrubs. . .  .wasting time and writing nothing about anything. I’m frustrated by the lack of calmness? in my life. Also frustrated that the chocolate turtle chex mix I bought isn’t nearly as good as I pictured it to be. I wish that things went more smoothly, that my dreams weren’t so off-the-wall realistic and that my family life could be semi-normal. Alas, if wishes were fishes. . .

I just used the word “alas”. . . there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I’m tired? Maybe I got too much sleep? Anyways, I’m off to the land of unimaginable torture . . .work. Also, I’m pulling a back to back again. They have me scheduled to close tonight and open tomorrow which means I am not going to be much fun at all. =) But that’s ok. There’s way too much going on this weekend for me to be angry. Lots of birthday parties and. . .other . . .stuff. Ok. I’m leaving. Bye

“i swear to you, you’re going to be ok. . .”

{ September 2, 2009 @ 2:43 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I wrote this perfectly brilliant post, but when I clicked published it disappeared. Not in drafts, not in posted posts. . . .just poof. Vanished. Gone. I don’t think I could ever recreate it. Now I’m sad. =( How do things like that happen?

ps- I’m tired of having to work full time while I’m going to school. Then on days when I don’t have either, I spend them doing goodness knows what, trying to clean/organize my room and get my life into some semblance of  functional organization. Gah! This semester might kill me. I’ve been called into work early twice this week (Yep, it’s only Wednesday). They actually want me to leave school and come in, which is just ridiculous. I mean, I come as soon as I can but why should I jeopardize my education for a company that I don’t want to stay with forever? And when do I have time to do homework.

That being said, I’m sure I’ll figure things out. I’m just frustrated this week. And now I’m late for school. Lame.

“i can’t believe i posted this without a title. . . “

{ August 28, 2009 @ 10:38 am } · { Life, Random: doesn't make any sense at all, School, Wishes }
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French class is killer. Like, pretty sure I’m going to die.  Also, I’m crying now. Writing something profoundly sad. Don’t ask me what’s wrong with me. Maybe the fact that it’s 4:30 am and I’m wasting my life away sitting at a computer, surrounded by textbooks and papers, not getting anything done and thinking about stupid what-ifs that don’t even need to be considered right now. Like, what if I lose my sister and then lose one of my best friends 6 months later. How do you handle that? You know?

Really, maybe sleep is the best option. Oh, and I need topics for my English paper/papers. I was thinking about doing a thesis on Buffy. . . It would be different to say the least. Something exciting, and not boring, and not typical. We can pick literally any subject under the sun as long as the prof approves it. So why not pick something wacky? Could be interesting, right?

“bunnies. it must be bunnies.”

{ August 26, 2009 @ 2:31 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I never understood how people stay up during the night and sleep during the day. For me, I have to be so exhausted to sleep while it’s light outside, and even then, I wake up to any and every sound around me.  I also find it really hard to be awake during the middle of the night. From 3 to 6-7 ish in the morning, it just doesn’t seem worth it to be awake.

That being said, tonight is my last night in my week of scheduled graveyard shifts. Normally, I’m a “day manager” but one of the grave mgts went on vacation and I was volunteered to work.  I have a really hard time with it. I just want to be in bed, and then when I finally get home at 8 or 9 in the morning, I feel like I should be awake and being productive. The worst part is really the lack of productivity. All I do is sleep and work pretty much.  There’s not much else to my life besides that when I’m working graves.

I’m excited though for tonight to be the last night. I’m excited to be back on a normal sleeping schedule and to be more efficient at my job. I’d rather work during the day. Hooray for sleeping and no more graves. Also, this might be a superfluous post but oh well.

“i guess i’m tryin to say i’m sorry, but it always comes out wrong. . .”

{ August 18, 2009 @ 9:57 am } · { Angry, Friendship, Life, Love, Random: doesn't make any sense at all, Wishes }
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I can’t even tell you how many blogs I’ve started, but never finished. They sit, half-written tangles of thoughts in my drafts folder until I finally go through and delete them. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to write about tonight, but I feel as if I’m in an emotional rut, and I need an escape. I figure talking (or I guess typing) through my vast mire of emotional muck might help clear things up a bit.

Growing up, my dad always told me that you had to pick your  battles. You can’t win ‘em all, and you certainly shouldn’t try. That’s setting yourself up for failure. So carefully, over the past few years, I’ve learned how to pick my battles. The older I get, the more I feel that it takes a lot to push me into a fight. I get angry, I fume, I get over it, and I’m fine. Rarely do things last, and the things that do I get really angry about. Most of the time, the fight is not deemed worthy of my time, although I may act offended just to shake things up a bit.  Well, tonight I picked my battle. . .and I lost. I lost big time.

It wasn’t anything important, or life-changing. Just an offhand comment that pierced my heart to its very center and I lashed back with everything I had left to give. It wasn’t much, I’ll tell you that right off the bat. It’s been an emotionally trying few weeks, for me, for my family. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of caring. I just wish that I could rip my heart out, watch it slowly stop beating, and move on with my life. However, I took everything that I’ve been feeling and channeled it into this one comment, consciously choosing to make a bigger deal than it should have been. Now I’m paying the price.

The comment was something along the lines of “why don’t you date, <name omitted>?” (Not to be cryptic, just not sure I’ve ever said my name, and it’s more interesting this way). It tore me to pieces, and I’ll attempt to explain why.

First, as much as I don’t like the situation that my sister is in at the moment, she has something I’m afraid I’ll never have. Unconditional love. I feel like a failure for never having dated anyone, and a disappointment to my family. My kid sister has got more gumption when it comes to love than I do. She might be dumb as rocks, but at least she knows how to share her heart. My dad always says that my sisters and I resemble the Dashwood sisters from Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. I’m Eleanor, the eldest. Quiet and reserved, feels things deeply but never shares. My sister is Marianne, to a “t.” She is emotional, dramatic, and has no problems falling in love or expressing her feelings.  Whilst Eleanor does fall in love, and eventually marries the man she loves after quite a heartbreak, I’m not quite sure that my own tale will have such a happy ending.

Second, I am willing to accept responsibility for my actions, but I’m not going to let guys go without any blame. Our generation, and especially it feels my group of friends, does a LOT of hanging out, rather than dating. Sure, it’s fun to chill and just hang. Sometimes though, guys should ask girls on dates! It would be a nice change, for once, even if it was just between friends, and just for fun. Dates don’t have to be romantic, or even mean that there is interest.

Third, guys don’t date their friends. I think I’ve mentioned this casually a hundred times or more but guys really just don’t date their friends. I, on the other hand, want to date my friends. I think that it is so much easier for a girl to fall for one of her friends because he’s always there. He’s stuck around, grown on you and you can’t imagine a more perfect entrance to a relationship than dating someone who already likes/loves you for you. No getting to know you phase, no tricks, no pretending, no impressing to do. Guys don’t do this though! It’s so frustrating. You either get categorized into the “potential relationship” file or the “friends” file. I always find myself in the latter. I’m a damn good friend, and it sucks. . .a lot. I’m not the great beauty that catches your eye at the store. I’m the friend that’s there with you at the store. . .for moral support? Or just because?

Fourth, it’s hard putting yourself out there. It’s even harder when you have many times before, and always been rejected. It takes so much courage to say “Hey, I like you. And if you happen to like me back, which-I-think-you-do-because-all-my-friends-think-you-do-because-of-the-way-you-act-around-me-and-the-way-you-treat-me-and-I-think-you-might-because-of-things-that-you’ve-said-to-me-in-passing-randomly, then we should give this a try.” What sucks though, is that even when you think you’ve finally done everything right, and that all the signs are there, it’s still a no. Most likely for some inexplicable reason. “You’re a great girl. . .but I’m just not looking to be in a relationship right now” or “I’ve been hurt before by some mystery girl in my past that’s ruined my romantic future forever.” Hopefully there’s not some girl two weeks down the road who just happens to be the right girl, because that sucks even more. It’s hard though, and credit has to be given where credit is due. It takes guts to tell someone you like them. It takes more guts to accept rejection. It take the most guts to still be friends, good friends at that, after rejection has been doled out.

Fifth, sometimes a girl just can’t catch a break. Working full time, schooling full time, playing part-time when there’s not work and school leaves little time to explore new venues and meet new people. It’s especially hard when the group prefers movies, games, and ‘group things.’ It’s not like people come falling out of the sky, like meatballs. (Maybe it’s getting a little late).

Anyways, the point is. . .there wasn’t a point. It wasn’t a battle that was worth fighting, and I’m sorry. I really really am. I’m sorry that I took it so personally. I’m sorry that I don’t have a good reason. I’m sorry that I’m publically saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I say I’m sorry too much. I just want things to be right again. I don’t want to fight, and I now know to pick my battles extra super carefully. It’s more important just to remain friends than to let stupid arguments get in the way.

It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory and still to love it. Wilde got it right, but I think I could amend it to say “it takes great courage to see your friends for who they truly are, in all their tainted glory and still to love them.”

“bring it on home to me. . .”

{ August 6, 2009 @ 4:31 pm } · { Life }
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This will be rather short today, but I feel the need to verbalize what is going through my head.  Today my family is fasting with a special purpose of praying for my sister. We can’t make decisions for another person, as much as we might want to. We can’t take away their agency. So we are praying that she might know that we love her, and that she will always be a part of our family, and that she will have the clarity of mind to make the right decisions for her life.

Little Big Town (a country band) has a song called Bring It On Home. I always thought it was nice and cheesy and romantic; one of my guilty pleasure songs. Today, however, it has taken on a new meaning. I think this is the standing invitation that God leaves with us. Got problems? Come to me, bring them home to me. I’ll help you through anything. It’s what I do.

We might not always receive the answers to our prayers in the way that we want them to be answered. I don’t know if I’ll ever see the results of our fast today, but I do know that the Lord is mindful of each of us.

Lyrics to Bring It On Home:

You got someone here wants to make it alright

Someone who loves you more than life right here

You got willing arms that’ll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don’t you keep it to yourself

[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I’m gonna do all that I can right here
I’m gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I’m still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind

[Chorus]

Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don’t let the water come and carry you away

[Chorus]

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here

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